雷神戦士日記

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Apparently, this quiz believes that my main job is to stand around and look pretty. ^^

Having spent the last 15 minutes reading small flame wars regarding theism and atheism on Digg.com, I felt as if I needed to explain my feelings on the matter.

One argument that I found rather interesting was that some religious people feel that atheists are "militant anti-theists". The reverse argument made light that "atheists are not anti-theists", but rather labeled as such. There were varying sentiments of both sides, including those debates on the outside of the argument looking in. There are even those that proudly proclaim that atheists need to stand up and be ready to fight against theism.

Allow me to express my deepest, most well-thought out opinions on these arguments:

What a load of horse shit.

It doesn't take much thought to realize that there are examples of militants on both sides. There are atheists that openly bash and criticize Christians simply because of their beliefs, calling them idiots and the like. I've seen this first hand, as I clearly remember Mikka attacking Josh years ago because of his religion.

On the reverse, I have seen religious people attacking atheism or outright denouncing it in many forms. I can recall a discussion about religion in my junior year of high school bringing up the notion of atheists, and our teacher asking if we knew what the term meant. When I claimed that I was an atheist, many people gave me an odd stare, one kid even turning to me and asking "doesn't that mean you worship the devil?", a disgusted look on his face.

Militant atheists are louder and more hurtful towards religion than religious people are towards atheists. However, this is likely to compensate for their small numbers. Atheists tend to believe that most religious people find them unscrupulous or untrustworthy, which is true in some cases, but hardly all.

I don't like to classify my beliefs for people anymore; it is not out of fear, but rather simplicity. It would take me some deal of time to fully expound on my beliefs for a person's query. Furthermore, it is against my nature to compact one's beliefs into simple categories and classifications. However, to make it simple, I would classify myself as an agnostic (having some belief in a higher power, but believing that comprehension of such a being is unattainable for humans).

For a while during my youth, I was a "Christian"-- one in name, not in cognitive belief. I never went to church as a child, and to this day I have only attended two church sessions (one Unitarian and another Protestant? Christian). Being a Christian was really the only thing I knew. I wasn't aware until sometime in my early teenage years that I could really classify myself in any specific manner, nor did I care to. Religion never played a part in my life, and perhaps that is why I did not consciously choose to pursue it. My mother never really brought up anything religious, and my father has always carried a bitter view of all religion in general. To this day he still curses its very foundations. My parents, from all I could tell, were people who lived in the day to day aspects of life, never once stopping to contemplate their place in the spiritual world.

My step-father was raised Christian by a Christian minister. To this day he notes hypocrisy within its constructs, but still holds its virtues sound. To be quite honest, I'm not sure if he cares or not about religion. My mother believes in a higher power, though part of that was influenced by the first rule of AA (no recovery without a higher power). My aunt is a very open and understanding Christian, who goes to church and Bible study on the days that she can, not particularly bound to the "Sunday Agenda", having really embraced the religion in her adult years.

I myself have no particular care about religion. I know it has its problems and glaring mistakes, but I also see the power it has to bind people, to turn our concentration away from pain and suffering, as well as the many good deeds and conduct that are born of its institutions. I have had numerous invitations to join some form of religion or another. Most every Christian I have a relationship with is fearful for my soul in some part of their mind. Despite this, I have turned down every invitation and solemnly apologized for the worry of my loved ones.

My life is not wrought with any pain or uncertainty in which I need to turn to church for sanctity. From time to time I pray that whatever spirits exist within this world may present me security and peace, but I do not feel a need to do such a thing. As it is, I find my spiritual beliefs to be in a fine harmony.

More than anything, I firmly believe that my reasoning for not being religious is rooted in my thoughts on spirituality itself. My major reasoning is that I find spirituality to be something that is not earned or gained by a contract, book, or lecture. It is not something that I believe any guide or instruction can be given. Spirituality, in my mind, is a journey. What realization one comes to in life is made up of the experiences he/she has along the way. My thoughts on these aspects will likely change as I become older, much as my switch from atheism to agnosticism proved. Spirituality, nor my beliefs on the matter, will ever be solidified at a single point in time. They will continue to change, grow, and adapt as my experiences bend along with this life. Thus, for me to say that I believe in religious classification or another is fruitless and devoid of meaning.

In that case, who cares what classification I am? Even if I were a Christian today, what is to say that somewhere along the line I wouldn't be Jewish? Why lock myself into any group? Even if I could change at will, why attempt to conform and explain my doubts or differences in the context of my subscribed religion when I could easily claim no affiliation and openly claim any belief that I want? If being religious is simply a matter of gaining insight into each classification's teachings and beliefs, then subscribing is pointless-- there are countless texts available at no contractual cost. If I wanted to, I could read the Bible, the Torah, the Qoran, or any other piece of scripture my hands could hold onto.

Thus, classification becomes less a formality for myself, but rather one for those around me. After all, it's so much easier to congregate with somebody who matches you in some context. People always want somebody to be part of their "in-group". To that, however, I say "who cares". I have many other "grouping factors" I could employ to become close to people. For starters, we're both humans, and we're both in the same place at the same time. Isn't that enough?

[00:08] JaceArailies: WHY AM I SO UNDATABLE?
[00:08] PajamaAttack: two words
[00:08] PajamaAttack: "friend zone"
[00:09] JaceArailies: Do I just exude an air of "friend zone"?
[00:09] PajamaAttack: yes you so
[00:09] PajamaAttack: *do
[00:09] JaceArailies: Are you serious?
[00:09] JaceArailies: o.o
[00:09] PajamaAttack: yes
[00:09] JaceArailies: Holy shit, I'm screwed.
[00:09] JaceArailies: I'm totally fucking screwed.
[00:09] PajamaAttack: you see, you ooze it even online with me
[00:09] PajamaAttack: i would never date you
[00:10] PajamaAttack: you are too nice
[00:10] JaceArailies: :O
[00:10] PajamaAttack: you are too much "one of the girls"
[00:10] JaceArailies: *falls over*
[00:10] JaceArailies: Oh. My. god.
[00:10] JaceArailies: I'm.
[00:10] JaceArailies: Fucked.
[00:10] PajamaAttack: actually no
[00:10] PajamaAttack: you are unfucked
[00:10] JaceArailies: No wonder I always get walked all over by girls.
[00:10] PajamaAttack: or unfuckable
[00:10] PajamaAttack: *nods*
[00:10] PajamaAttack: i wouldn't be one of those girls
[00:11] JaceArailies: ... so, there's nothing I can do besides accept it?
[00:11] PajamaAttack: chang eyour attitude a little
[00:11] PajamaAttack: or, just stay the same
[00:11] PajamaAttack: some girl will find you
[00:11] JaceArailies: Yeah.
[00:11] JaceArailies: Some bitch who I shouldn't be with.
[00:11] PajamaAttack: and she won't care that you're in the friend zone
[00:12] PajamaAttack: some girl that will treat you like crap
[00:12] JaceArailies: ...
[00:12] JaceArailies: You're really making me feel like I should kill myself and be done with it.
[00:12] PajamaAttack: because it's the only girl that will date you
[00:12] PajamaAttack: naw, don't do that

That's it. I'm becoming a serial rapist. It's all I have left.

なぜ俺が何時もこんな感じがあるのか？あの少女はもちろんまだ答えない。昨晩Gmailのチャットに見てた。しかし、彼女が全然連絡しなかった。忙しかったし、俺の名を見えなかったしと言っても、確か彼女が俺と喋りたくないのが変わらん。それで、なぜ俺は気をしてるのか？我慢して待ってることは愚かさ。この感じ。。。嫌なものだ。失せろ、女。

愛というものは俺の将来にあるかどうか分からん。多分ない。その可能性が高いかも。っち、女性が難しいものさ。だが、嫌だって言ったら、嘘をついてる。

I don't want to forget this.

Story premise:

What if a coin flip decided reality.

Story would revolve around a young man who (after some mystical incident) realizes that whenever he flips a coin while asking about the nature of the world, life changes to make that fact reality. Once a query has been questioned, it cannot be reversed, as this seems to only work for facts that are unknown to him, specifically those that have yet to transgress. Also, anything too vague is ignored. Questions must have a specification.

Example:

Terry meets Jenny. Jenny is pretty and very fun, but already involved with Mike. Terry asks the coin: "will Mike and Jenny break up?" The coin lands heads (yes), and the couple has a sudden break up later in the week.

Gamble questions:

"Will I ever get married?" --> Tails; future of solitude
"Will I keep all my appendages?" --> Tails; some form of horrible accident will cripple you
"Will I die today?" --> Heads; Death

... and now I want a smoothie.

メールをもらった。ふみひろが写真アルバムのリンクを教えてくれた。コディも。本当に面白いぜ。その二人の生徒たちは何時も僕にメールしてるんだ。なんか人気なのさ、僕が。しかし、他のみんなさんはまだ答えない。ジリアンが一回答えたけど、その後は何もない。もちろん、彼女が「ホント忙しいから、遅く答えるの」と言ったが、僕がドキドキしてるんだ。その「この包容力のないユダヤの女どめ」というところで怒らせたかな。冗談だったが、意地悪いだろう。まあ、いいさ。彼女はホント忙しいからと思い続ける。

今日はゲームを買った。ローグ・ガラクシというゲームだ。さぁ、お金がなくなってるけど。。。

は～ん。眠い。眠ければ、寝る。じゃあ、僕が寝る。

あとでね
～邪世留

今日、ちょっと曇り。雨が薄ら降ってる。
心理学のテストが木曜日に先送りでよかったさ！しかし、僕が朝に早く起きて、勉強をしに学校に来た。それで、準備がなんとか良くなった。木曜日までに準備が完璧にする。。。かも。まあ、今日より木曜日の方が優しいなぁ。
日本語クラスでは、宿題を出し、漢字クイズを受けた。クイズの情報はなっかたから、ちょっと困ったよ。でも、実は成績が良くなりそう。別に勉強したことがないが、僕が良くできた。先週日本でぶらついたからのか？さぁ、誰も知らなく、誰も興味もない。
文法を練習しなきゃならない。今の僕は日本語が多少下手だ。みんなが大体、僕の言いたいことやセリフなどわかる。けれど、上手になりたい。何度もするか構わない、絶対する。そういう感じを持ったら、何でもできると思う。
この後、心理学のクラスだ。嫌だ、行きたくない。でも、クラスの後は帰宅だ。それから食事、寝、仕事。仕事は午前３時からよ。ッタク、面倒くせぇものさ。でも、９時に終わるから、別に構わん。一、二、三、LET'S TRY。。。とかいうのな。
Codeyからメールをもらった。CodeyとJoeがまさよ（Yo-Yo)とふみひろ（Hootie)と一緒にカラオケに行ったそうだ。妬んでるぞぉぉ。いや、あいつらが楽しんでて嬉しいよ。Yo-YoとHootieが頑張ったから、ちょっと休んでもいいと思う。Yo-Yoは英語が上手、マジで。実ゃ、信じられなかった。
ここで終わりになる。後でもう書くかまだわからん。しないと、許してくれ。OKか？じゃあ、また～

～邪世留、常勝王様 （非常の時は「EmergencyDoorCock」を見つけてください。）

I'm thinking of breaking off a little journal so as to have English in this one and Japanese in the other. For now, I'm just going to post here in Japanese. Bear with me.

２００７年３月１９日

金曜日に日本から帰った。その時来、僕がなんか寂しくなちゃってさ。様々な友達でき、いろんな奇麗なところを見た。新しい名前さえくれた！（実は、呼名の漢字しかないがカッコいいぞ）

生徒たちの二人は僕に連絡してくれた。嬉しくなられそうな。みんなにメールを出した、昨日。写真のファイルについて。僕たちがいっぱい取ったんだ。

まあ、後でもっと書く。今は勉強しないと。。。　っタク。なぜ明日はテストなんだよ？

I don't know how to explain myself right now. I'm an odd mix of emotions, coupled with being so unbelievably tired. Jet lag is really starting to get to me.

Over the past week I've been enjoying a "vacation" of sorts in Japan. Surprisingly, it was a rather long week. I was really only in the country for a few days, which sucked, but the time spent was packed with activities. Constantly on the move, shuffling between one locale to the next. I took pictures (which I will add later), I enjoyed new places, and I met awesome people.

I've never felt quite so important. That feeling that my existence actually matters, that somebody out there is glad beyond belief that I walk this Earth. I felt that so many times over in one trip, it's almost hard to believe that it was real. I had more 17 year old girls give me hugs and take pictures with me than I can possibly begin to remember. Hell, a 17 year old boy patted my ass. He called me his "brother".

I so need to do that camp experience again. I love the feeling that I'm making a difference in a kid's life. There's something about that smile you get as you pass through the halls, knowing that the person bearing it could very well have said "no, I don't want to do this program". But you make them want to learn; you make them want to enjoy themselves.

... we had awesome kids. Absolutely awesome kids.

And we had awesome counselors. The American ones and the Japanese ones. Our directors were great (our AD was a Harvard grad genius, and we didn't even know). I met two Japanese counselors that worked their asses off, a lot of times just to make sure we were getting around the country without severe difficulty. I met American counselors with experience and energy. People who were ready to teach and give everything they had for the kids. We were an awesome group. I'm always going to have memories of us together, acting like fools and enjoying a life-changing experience together.

But now... I feel so lonely. I have so many memories of a world so magnificent and new. Sure, it had its problems (weird smells at every turn), but god damn was it a blast. I got the chance to feel alive, to feel as if I was DOING something with my life. I learned, experienced, and realized so many things. I... I don't want to forget those things. I don't want to leave those things. So I hate feeling like I've returned from a dream, my life now devoid of any meaning. Coming back to the same day-in and day-out. Dealing with life's little problems once again, right from the start.

I can only hope that I push myself to do this one more time. Meet new people and see new places, touching the lives of those involved. I hope that I can take those experiences with me as I step back into my everyday life. Maybe somehow, it'll be a little more than ordinary.

Take a deep breath and walk forward. Walk forward.

Recently I've had this feeling welling up from beneath my skin. Shamelessly as I steal a line from one of the more cliché alternative (read: emo) rock bands of the late nineties, I must subject myself to the truth at hand. Silently, I bear this feeling from within and try desperately not to speak of it. Before you get all uppity, though, I will tell you that I'm not talking of some kind of depression or, dare I say, angst.

I'm talking more of a type of antisocial behavior encompassing my mind. Obviously, depression might be a secondary factor developed by anti socialism, but it is important to note that the key aspect here is not depression (or if it is, it's doing a damn good job of confusing me). I know this because I tend to feel happy and elated most of the time. However, it is at times when I feel antisocial that I become somewhat depressed and reserved.

I feel very much as if I have little or no friends at the current moment. While I'm at school I like to talk to people I know (mainly a handful of people in my Japanese class), but ultimately I shut myself away in a tidy little corner and opt not to speak to anybody. Yesterday I went to an introductory club meeting for the Japan Club at CSULB. I thought it would be a good chance to meet people who might have similar interests.

It seems as if I'm unable, in words alone, to describe just how alienated I felt at times. Sure I said "hi" to a few people I knew, talked a bit with people I was paired with, and even spoke marginal Japanese (Japanese people really seem averse to conversing in their own language with whitey). This ultimately meant nothing, and I really just killed time, acting as if I were some witnessing some kind of televised program. At times I interacted, I simply acted. I did what was required. I never managed to enjoy it socially. I just seemed to be playing a game with many people who seemed to speak other languages entirely (and I mean the white kids at this point). Not socially achieving anything, just managing to participate in some physical manner.

For just about all my classes (save Japanese), I like to hide from others. I respond to the teacher and ask questions, but mainly because a) I want the teacher to have a good impression of me, and b) because I want to somehow announce my existence. I don't want to be forgotten. Far from it. I want to be loved, cherished, idolized; I want more attention than I could ever dream. I just don't want it on an intimate basis.

Introducing myself to new people is a challenge for me. For me to walk up to somebody and strike up a conversation would be a feat. Never mind the fact that I have accomplished this on more than one occasion; each and every time it's truly a struggle for me to reach for a conversation. I have an advertising problem, you might say. I have an excellent product. I just can't seem to get out there and promote it. So the entire while I remain afloat in the water, hoping somebody will come and make a purchase.

Girls are another story. It takes a lot for me to speak to people in general: I need a comfortable environment and a general acceptance. I can talk to people at work because I feel accepted and comfortable in that atmosphere. Regardless, new people are always a challenge, and for some reason girls take the highest level of difficulty. If I were to find a girl cute, charming, attractive, or just all-around engaging, I wouldn't be able to make light of this unless forced. When I compliment a girl (especially physical features), it should be taken as a very big deal: I fear telling a girl she's pretty as if it were informing a patient's family that the procedure was unsuccessful.

Thus, for these very reasons, I feel the most uncomfortable, volatile, and generally insecure around the female gender. This isn't to say that I DISLIKE the female gender. I love woman as much as the next man. But my fear of socializing drives me mad when I am around the opposite sex. The less I know a girl, the more dangerous she is, and the more formal/distant I become. Thankfully, this really only happens with girls my own age, or at least those within an age group I could date. Older women seem to fall into a more neutral category. Young girls seem like children. Everything in the middle is a bit of a nightmare sometimes.

The saddest thing is that I can be so sociable and comfortable one moment and completely shrink away the next. My only guess would be that I am somewhat averse to areas or situations that I do not feel familiar with, and thus cannot operate fully, which would be the norm for most people. The other possibility is that my mother's bi-polar disorder truly has rooted itself genetically, and now the symptoms are truly starting to appear.

Ah, I need to stay in more.

I'm closing in on the big 2-1 this year. I'm nearing that age of adulthood. The true test for how I'll be living my life.

This year I've already been hit with a blow to my credit, and right now I'm struggling to deal with various financial aspects. I feel like a real man. I'm so grown up!

What it boils down to is this: I probably need more money. Unfortunately, I make shit wages. The company still has a month to go before we have the renegotiation that may or may not allow that wage to go up. I need a new job, but my current job is so flexible that it's almost a dream. However, the fact that I have school can no longer be an excuse for taking less hours. If I could, I'd take a second job at school. Hell, maybe I should take a paper route or the like. Anything to get myself into a manageable state of finance.

Once I have my degree, I can start working on finding a real job. Unfortunately, I have another 2 years to go, almost. So, it's time that I suck it up and really beat the shit out of my life. Your school years are supposed to be fun, but I already did all those cool things. The truth of the matter is that I do nothing with my time, so why not run myself down further by adding to the workload? If I'm awake, I should be making money.

To those of you who think that "money isn't everything" or "dude, there's more to life than work", stop for a moment and think. Everything you DO in life costs money. Eating, sleeping, shitting- they all require some form of payment. One wrong move in the tightrope that is financial independence and you'll find yourself severely scarring your living security. There are people out here in the world doing harder work than many people who have somehow managed to sell themselves to top and find themselves being paid like serfs. What saddens me is that there are some really capable people in these settings making very little. A lot of them simply never had the chance to more out of life.

Thankfully, I am smarter than most. Luckily, I have a chance to further my life by attending college and obtaining a degree. Fortunately, I have good work ethic and am able to rise to the occasion in my job. However, as a part-time working, full-time student, I am something of a second class citizen in life. My parents don't have much money. My father graciously supports me at home, though working hard to support himself. My mother is disabled and my step father makes very little for working his ass off in a store of people who are paid equally to not give a shit, so it seems. Every week it seems my mother has a new bill to pay, and somehow I get roped into helping over and over. I cannot complain, however, because this woman raised me, and gave me everything that I have.

The key point, however, is that this won't be my fate. I will finish my education and I will attain financial security. I will marry a woman who wants a career and a comfortable income. The two of us will create a life together, and once that life has been cultivated, we will have kids. Those kids will be raised to know the truth about the world: nothing is always as it seems, nobody is 100% correct about anything, and that their decisions should always be what THEY decide. If they are indeed my children, they shall make me more proud then I could ever imagine. They will go on to do what they feel is right, whether that be school or work. And whatever they do, I will support them, emotionally and financially. My children will have the deposit they need to invest in a decent life, so that they might provide for their children as well.

This is all there is.

~Brandon

Hooray for 2007. Not-hooray for being stuck in Amarillo, TX for 2 god damn days. I HATE YOU NEW MEXICO. YEAH, YOU AND YOUR INABILITY TO SALT THE MOTHERFUCKING ROAD, CAUSING 3 DAYS OF BACK UP ON THE I-40.

... anyway, I'm back at home now, my father in a hotel following up on an apartment lead (we may be able to get in by Friday), and me currently wishing for a car. My dad says we may go look at Hyundai cars on Thursday when he gets his windshield wiper replaced. I don't think I'm going to get a new car, just because of the expenditure, but it doesn't hurt to look. Besides, I'm off Thursday, so it'll give me something to do.

Alright, new resolutions for the new year:

1) Better self
2) Work hard
3) Study kanji and pass the JLPT 2
4) Become more organized

Alright, so... I am typing this on my new 17 inch flat screen TV, which I will now switch over to TV mode and play the Japanese version of the Tales of Destiny remake. ... on my desk. I love technology.

Oh, and here's your Japanese phrase of the day.

手紙を書いたら、どこへ出してもいいか？(Tegami wo kaitara, doko e dashitemo ii ka?) [If I write a letter, where should I send it?]

And here's a bonus one for those of you who want something "fun" to say.
この人は「バカ」じゃなくて、「えっちで、濫りがわしくて、自分で何でも出来ないボケ」の方が正しいだろう。(Kono hito ha baka janakute, ecchi de, jibun de nandemo dekinakute, midarigawashii boke no hou ga tadashii darou.)[It'd probably be more appropriate to call him not "an idiot", but a "perverted, obscene moron who can't do anything himself".]

これから毎晩日本語の日記を書きたい。日本語能力試験2級は3級よりずっと難しいようだ。2級をパスするためには、これからがんばって毎日日本語を勉強するんだ。今、漢字と語彙や聞き取りはもの足りない。だが、文法は大丈夫だ。

今日は日本語311と日本語301の期末試験だった。311の試験はまあまあだったけど、301は楽勝だった。その後、教科書を売った。二冊だけだが、それで35ドルをもらったから良いと思う。帰りながらマックドナルドでハンバーガを２つ買った。美味しいかどうか。。。まあ、食べ物だったらそれだけ良いんだね～

よしっ！これで12月21日の日記エントリーは終わりだ！

はぁ～、誰もがこの日記が読めないんだろう。しかし、関係ねぇぞ。（笑）

このアパートは汚くなってしまった。なぜかわからんが、誰かが奇麗にするんだ。それは間違いない。でも俺だって言うと、本当に何もが起こさない。頼もしくねぇ、俺。

ふえぇぇッ　っタク。疲れた～！この前にジョギングしてた。最近は全然運動しない。体が柔らかくなった。だから、今手と足と胴体が痛いもんだ。寝たい～　寝させてくれ～　神様、不朽寝いただけないでしょうか～

あ、本当にデートしたいんでさ。。。。かも。好きな誰かがいないようだ。だけど、ちゃんと探していないだろうね。あ～、愛は素敵な。しかし、もしかしたら、誰かが俺のこと好きのか。有り得ない？

もういい。寝る。

おまけノート：明日学校に行きたくねぇェッ！

おまけノート２：そうよ！パソコンを買った！ちょうどいいだけど、千百ドラ払った。いきなりお金持たないぜ！

Look, life is complicated. I realize this. I understand that shit happens. I was never so conceited that I believed that things would never happen to me. But at the same time, because I realize that shit happens, I'm not too optimistic about things.

So when you honestly ask me why I have trouble trusting people or fear of relationships, take a good long look at the two bullshit marriages my mother has been part of and then tell me why I shouldn't be hung up about such things.

My family is insane. Let's leave it at that.

FFXII gets better every single time I play. I shit you not.

I don't know how this game went from being "oh, this might be fun" to the majestic gem that it is, but I am really enjoying the hell out of it.